Happy Anyway

When I asked Monica what she wanted, she said "I want to be you."

I've heard versions of this my entire life and have never talked about it because I've been afraid people would misunderstand - that they'd believe I think I'm special.

I don't - and I'm not.

That's the point.

I don't hide that my life is imperfect, that there are many things I've struggled with, and some that I still struggle with...

She says she wants to be me because I'm happy anyway.

She senses that I'm not just painting on a smile or sticking my head in the sand and pretending the shitty stuff doesn't exist, but that I actually am happy, regardless of my circumstances.

And she's right about that.

If you're thinking that I must have been born this way - I wasn't.

It's something I learned - by sheer luck - when I was 4 years old.

I was "graduating" from Cabbage Hill Nursery School and my class was sitting in a long row of folding chairs on a stage, facing our parents and grandparents.

We had each been given a little portfolio with a "diploma" on one side and our class photo on the other when they began handing out the gifts.

Each boy was to be given an American flag and each girl, an enormous crepe paper flower.

Those flowers were the most amazing things I’d ever seen - half the length of my body and twice as wide, in every color of the rainbow.

When they skipped me, my stomach dropped.

I wanted the flower, yes, but the reason I still remember this moment 50 years later is because of the fear.

I was terrified that someone would notice, that someone would see that I had been skipped and pity me.  

I could feel my eyes welling up, the lump in my throat.  

I did not want to cry.

In an attempt to gulp down the tears, I stared at my diploma and class picture and said to myself "I have this and this is great. I have mommy and daddy and grandma and boomps, and that's great"

I said it to myself over and over.

Within a moment, it was great - I could feel an actual smile on my face.

At that moment I learned that what I thought about made me happy or it made me sad and that lesson stuck. 

Being grateful for what you have, even when you want more is a powerful way to live.

But it's not a perfect one.

In the same way that every cloud has a sliver lining, every silver lining has its cloud, and my ability to be happy no matter what has had its consequences too.

I had to learn how to be grateful for what I had, AND still raise my hand to ask for what I wanted - a trick that took another 40 years to learn

So what's the takeaway here?

You can want more and still be grateful.

You can be happy when you don't get what you want.

And when there's something that you long for, you can raise your hand, throw your hat into the ring, and pursue it with all you've got.

After all, isn't life too short not to?